If There Ever Was....

Sure. Thanks for your advice!

The group dissipated, Sonic to sleep, Will to video games for the purpose to pass time solely, Ash to herself.
When she was sure her brother was deeply unconscious, she packed her guitar bag and slung it over her shoulder, slanting down on her slender body.
Checking that she had plenty of time, she pushed out the door silently and passed through the empty halls. She heard only the slightest of chatter from the apartments on either side of the carpeted corridor, and wondered if it had anything to do with the splitting of the world.
She nudged open the revolving door by the front, and people seemed to stare at her as she carried her acoustic guitar down the street, wrapped up in its black case.
She pushed her way into the forest, where she leaned up against a tree and unpacked her guitar.

Grew up in a small town,
And when the rain would fall down,
I'd just stare out my window...
Dreaming of what could be...
And if I'd end up happy...
I would pray...
Trying hard to reach out,
But when I tried to speak out...
Felt like no one could hear me.
Wanted to belong here,
But something felt so wrong here.
So I'd pray...
I could breakaway....

Ash stopped, and tears slid down her pale face. She looked up at the sky, set her guitar against the tree, lay the case itself on the ground, and lay down.
She fell asleep.
She woke up, in the middle of the night. She looked down, and was still in cat form. Her head throbbed with a headache, and she realized that she had wasted another night. She returned her head to her dreams, and prayed the morning would come faster than the night had lasted.

Aw, sadface.

She woke up herself again, the depressed, angry, and very, very hungry person whom she was.
Ash put her guitar -- which had managed to stay in the exact same place she had put it yesterday -- in the bag she'd used as a pillow, and headed back into the city.
"I'm home," she said upon entering.
"Where were you?" Sonic shouted from some room, deep in the apartment.
"Somewhere the wolves can't find me," she teased.
"Okay, okay," he replied, and his voice was followed by a loud crash.
"What happened?" she asked.
"Nothing," he said.
"You're always up to nothing," she smirked, shoving open the door to his room.
To see Tails holding a gun at him.
"WHAT?" Ash screamed.
"I'm fine," Sonic said.
"Yeah, it's our friend that's not," Ash said.
"No," Tails said. "We're just trying to stop this madness."
Oh. "Then cure me, too," Ash said.
"We'll have to see if this works first. Ready?"
He pulled the trigger.
A bright light filled the room.

OMG
You've grabbed me back in.

“Well, he’s not dead, and I’m in cat form again,” Ash said. “I guess it worked!”
“I guess it did,” Sonic said, looking down in delight at his sister. He put his hand out, as if he was holding out food to a housecat, and with a little mrrp, she jumped onto the bed and lay down.
Tails snickered, and she rubbed her face against his arm. “You smell…like a fox, really,” Ash said, stating the obvious.
“Really? I always thought it was more like the smell of dog,” he said with a smile.
Ash purred loudly, and Sonic began to stroke her back absentmindedly.
“You’re just so cute when you’re a cat,” Sonic said, and she rubbed her face against his in agreement.
“I guess we just have to wait a bit,” he said.
“I’m going to…I dunno, actually,” she added.
“Is anyone hungry?” Tails asked.
“Yeah,” the twins said, their voices chorusing in unison.
“So, where to?” Sonic asked.
“I know this amazing seafood restaurant…” Ash said, rambling on about a seafood restaurant in the middle of the desert. The two hit their faces with the palms of their hands.
“We’re going to a steak restaurant, okay?” Sonic said, not really asking a question as much as stating a fact.
“Fine, fine,” she said, “but I’m staying here.”
The two walked out, and Ash had the strangest feeling that something was wrong.

She peeked her head out of the door, just checking that they weren't back yet, her mouth closed so tightly she was scared her teeth were going to rip right through her skin.
She saw nothing, so she strapped her swords to her back. For any passerby, she was simply in a school play. People were starting to return to school, of course, she wasn't.
So she was lucky enough to not find anyone in the apartment building, and she was able to make it to the desert in under ten minutes. Just her luck, there was nothing to be found but the city.
She paced around, seemingly in circles, until her foot hit something unnatural. She felt again, stomped on the ground once, and fell through the opened floor.

Hmm, quite a few curiosities. For one, how did they get to Vegas so fast? Why was Sonic spying on them if he didn't want Ash to go (and can they even gamble anyway)? You were quite vague regarding what happened to Ash, and who they were trying to bribe, and as such a regular reader would be confused (like I was). Plus, this Rikki character disappeared, it seems.
Your story is still good, but you still need to provide details and keep the reader up to speed as to what is going on. Such as this chapter, we don't really know why Ash is going to the desert, or what the swords are for, so yeah.

The Freedom Fighter wrote:Hmm, quite a few curiosities. For one, how did they get to Vegas so fast? Why was Sonic spying on them if he didn't want Ash to go (and can they even gamble anyway)? You were quite vague regarding what happened to Ash, and who they were trying to bribe, and as such a regular reader would be confused (like I was). Plus, this Rikki character disappeared, it seems.
Your story is still good, but you still need to provide details and keep the reader up to speed as to what is going on. Such as this chapter, we don't really know why Ash is going to the desert, or what the swords are for, so yeah.

1) They live in Vegas.
2) He wouldn't have minded if they went with telling him, or with him: he just wanted to make sure they weren't up to any funny buisness.
2.5) On Mobius, they become legals at their age.
3) Ash was turned into a "werecat," or in other words, someone who turned into a cat on nightswith full moons.
4) They were worried they would have to bribe Eggman to turn them back.
5) Rikki kind of went out to the city to enjoy himself. My apologies; I pretty much forgot about him.
6) She's going for Eggman.
7) The swords are for fighting, to provide her with an extra boost.

I'm sorry; I'm trying to copy a bit of the writing style of my favorite authors, were things are a bit implied. I'll try to go back and edit some chapters, and be sure to change in the upcoming ones.

Implications are fine, especially when used for surprising the reader. But unfortunately the things I mentioned weren't really obvious. So you can still use it obviously, just be careful when and how you use it.

She landed agily on the ground, using her brother's signature landing technique which she had adapted for herself.
The room was bright but empty. It's a trap! she thought to herself, reminding herself of the funny kitten pictures that she loved to look at, and she couldn't help but to laugh.
And she thought of her friends, and poor, lonely Rikki whom went out to explore the city for a couple of nights, looking for a home.
Most of all, she thought of what she would loose if she failed. Nights with her brother. Sleepovers and nightly get togethers. Education. A job. Kids: if in the future she had them, would they be cats, hedgehogs, or a mix of both? Would they be normal?
It wasn't until she tasted salt, wet salt, that she snapped back.
Ash ventured around the place, but to her dismay, she found nothing. Ash was about to leave when a voice confronted her.
"Not leaving so soon, are you?" Eggman asked.
"And you have a treat for me as well, I presume? Well, I sure hope there is no pain inflicted."
"Back up," he commanded.
"Why?"
On cue, a metal frame sprung up directly behind her, and she felt herself cuffed in.
"You cheating, lying, son of a--"
He pressed a button on a control panel on which he rested upon, and she lapsed into unconsciousness. Another button press, and the shockers began to charge up. They fired their first round of electricity, and he laughed maniacally.
"I told you it wouldn't hurt!" he yelled. "Oh, and that's Mama Robotnik to you!"

I don't like the fact of Sonic having siblings, or them turning human. The story also gets confusing, but you really have writing talent. I can't wait for more.

“Uhhh…” Ash moaned as she forced her eyes open.
“Are you okay?” will asked.
“Everything feels…awful,” she said in an almost raspy voice.
“It’s okay,” he replied. “Well, almost.”
“He changed me!” she cried, salty water beginning to form in her eyes.
“Calm down,” Will said. “You’re cute like that.”
“No!” she said, and stood up. There was a loud crack as she thrust herself off, and she fell haphazardly back onto the sofa, moaning.
“A rib,” he said, moving to the spot next to her, feeling her injured bone.
“Ow!” she shrieked. “Sorry….”
“It’s okay. That should hurt.”
“Wh-what happened to Sonic?” she asked. “Where did you guys find me?”
“He’s fine, and out getting groceries. We found you lying on the desert floor.”
“At what time?”
Will shook his head sadly. “Four seventeen. It was still dark.”
“Oh,” she said, and tried to look occupied with other items in the room.
“Don’t be upset. We’re going to stop this, and…just please, don’t be upset.”
She crawled under the covers that lay on the sofa, and tried to hide away from the rest of the world.
"Come on," Will said, reaching in and wrapping his arms around her shoulders and torso, pulling her into his arms for a hug.
"This isn't fair!" she moaned.
"Says who?" he said, kissing the top of her head and burying his face in her hair.
"Says me," she said, standing up, trying to not grimace at the second crack that day that followed, and tried to storm gracefully into her room. She failed, toppling over and landing on the floor in a tangled, unconscious heap.

Pretty good, except we don't know what she was changed into. I'm assuming a werehog, but still. Unless you're purposely keeping us in the dark.

The Freedom Fighter wrote:Pretty good, except we don't know what she was changed into. I'm assuming a werehog, but still. Unless you're purposely keeping us in the dark.

My my, you sure are smart, aren't you?

yo, I like this... good job :D

Ash's eyes fluttered open around dinnertime, the smell of salad, feta cheese and steak wafting through the crack under the locked door. The room had probably been locked in case she woke during the night, which she was sure wouldn't happen as long as that wonderful smell of food traveled from the kitchen. She stretched and dragged herself out of the room.
To her surprise, William was the one cooking and her brother was nowhere to be seen.
"G'mornin'," he said. "You've been asleep for a while."
She blushed, and trudged to the sofa where she sat down carefully. While doing so, the bottom of her shirt flew up to the top of her stomach, and she stared at the bandage wrapped around her before smiling, embarrassed, at the silently watching Will--and shoved her shirt back down.
"Yeah, those were two pretty bad breaks," he said, trying to blast through the silence.
"I don't want night to come," Ash said, thrusting a frown upon her face.
"So? Just lock yourself up for those eight hours."
But Ash couldn't take it. "Man, I haven't even seen what I look like yet...as one of them."
However, a gentle atmosphere cradled her mind, and she suddenly felt at ease. No problems populated her brain at all. She turned to Will, mixed feelings displayed on her face.
"Thanks," she said, "for calming me down. But no thanks for treating me like a puppet for your mind."
"I'm just trying to help," he commented, and placed the food on the table. "Please, don't be mad." She didn't respond. "Ugh...I'm just trying to help. And Sonic should be home soon, anyway."
Ashley nodded ever so quietly.
"I want to just go to sleep for days."
"Then do it," he hissed lightly.
"Hmph," she said arrogantly.
"Sorry," he said, and they sat in silence.

Pretty good. It's nice to see some calm, even if despair haunts the scene as well.

I just read your fanfic Ash, and I've got to say honestly, I hate it and I think it sucks... but that's better then I could do, and as long as a few people like it, keep writing. Nice job I guess.

Five. Two more hours until she would change. In a frantic rush, she sped through the house. Back and forth, thrusting open cabinets, ignoring her confused boyfriend.
"Ash! What are you doing? There wasn't really any sugar in dinner...."
"STOP!" she shrieked, shoving past him.
"Ash! CALM DOWN," he said, snatching her shoulders.
"Let. Go. Of. Me," she said with a growl, and blood that she would never see flooded into her head.
"Ash, it's not the end of your life," he said in a calm tone.
"Says who?" she sneered, and turned out of his arms.
"What the heck are you looking for, anyway?" he asked, following her through the apartment as she flung open cabinet doors.
"A sedative!" she said.
"Ashley Janessa the Hedgehog, don't you dare take medicines."
She hissed, and with a whirl, she'd jumped onto her bed and buried her head in the pillow. Will pulled her off, and tears had soaked the sheet.
"Night comes earlier today," Will remembered, and muttered under his breath.
Ash stared out the window in hatred, and the sun had almost completely set. She barely had any time to turn to Will, her expression blank but sad, and then she morphed.
She grew taller, thinner, her fur slightly darker and her teeth slimmed and pointed themselves. Her eyes turned to a light yellow, and curved claws spurted from the tips of her hands.
"Ashley...don't be scared," he said, reaching out to her.
"Go. I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't," he said, reaching to stroke her wrist.
"I can't be sure," she said, silently weeping.
"Come on," he said, "I'm perfectly fine around you."
"If you think," she said, and eventually, she fell asleep on his lap as he stroked the back of her head.

Wow, poor Ash...

Ash woke up in the early morning, but late enough for her to be a hedgehog again. Her clothes had been slightly torn at the seams, due to her height changing during her transformation, so she set aside some relatively baggy clothes to put on before nightfall.
"Lina," Sonic said, from behind her, using a name he hadn't used for
her since they were twelve, "Hi."
That was funny. She hadn't heard him enter.
"With great sacrifice comes great benefits," he noticed. "Stealth, for example."
"And a sudden poetic choice of words? Nice try."
"Sit down," he said, forcing her into a sitting position on the bed, "Shut up."
"Now, Lina, you have to ope."
Cope. A word meaning to give in, to face defeat. She would not cope.
She sniffed in half defeat, and Sonic stood up and returned to the door. "Now hurry up, Ash. We're not going to be late for our first day back at school, are we?"
No! She'd completely forgotten about school among the mess of things. Did she have the heart to tell her friends? What would Alison think? Did she already know? Would people be worried? They'd noticed that she was absent on days with full-mooned nights, and she'd lied that it was for religious reasons. They seemed to buy it, but unless to enemies, Ashley couldn't bear to lie.
He left the room when realizing his sister was submerged in thought, and went to prepare his own schoolbooks, and put together a quick lunch.
Ashley changed into a light mint green t-shirt, pulled a white hoodie over it, slid into white jeans and her light mint green Converse shoes. After tossing everything she guessed she would need into her
bag, she started on her lunch, which would take much less time to prepare than her brother's would, and taste around a million times better.
She was ready, like her brother, with plenty if time to spare. "Walk or ride?" Sonic asked.
"How about teleporting?" Ash asked, and before he had time to think, she teleported them to the back of the school, where no one seemed to be standing around.

"I wonder what we're going to be studying today," Ash said upon sitting down at her first period desk.
"Good day, everyone!" the teacher said cheerily. "Today, we're studying folklore!"

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Ash woke up in the early morning, but late enough for her to be a hedgehog again. Her clothes had been slightly torn at the seams, due to her height changing during her transformation, so she set aside some relatively baggy clothes to put on before nightfall.
"Lina," Sonic said, from behind her, using a name he hadn't used for
her since they were twelve, "Hi."
That was funny. She hadn't heard him enter.
"With great sacrifice comes great benefits," he noticed. "Stealth, for example."
"And a sudden poetic choice of words? Nice try."
"Sit down," he said, forcing her into a sitting position on the bed, "Shut up."
"Now, Lina, you have to ope."
Cope. A word meaning to give in, to face defeat. She would not cope.
She sniffed in half defeat, and Sonic stood up and returned to the door. "Now hurry up, Ash. We're not going to be late for our first day back at school, are we?"
No! She'd completely forgotten about school among the mess of things. Did she have the heart to tell her friends? What would Alison think? Did she already know? Would people be worried? They'd noticed that she was absent on days with full-mooned nights, and she'd lied that it was for religious reasons. They seemed to buy it, but unless to enemies, Ashley couldn't bear to lie.
He left the room when realizing his sister was submerged in thought, and went to prepare his own schoolbooks, and put together a quick lunch.
Ashley changed into a light mint green t-shirt, pulled a white hoodie over it, slid into white jeans and her light mint green Converse shoes. After tossing everything she guessed she would need into her
bag, she started on her lunch, which would take much less time to prepare than her brother's would, and taste around a million times better.
She was ready, like her brother, with plenty if time to spare. "Walk or ride?" Sonic asked.
"How about teleporting?" Ash asked, and before he had time to think, she teleported them to the back of the school, where no one seemed to be standing around.

"I wonder what we're going to be studying today," Ash said upon sitting down at her first period desk.
"Good day, everyone!" the teacher said cheerily. "Today, we're studying folklore!"

Heheh. Folklore. Nice chapter, all in all.

Sony took what I was about to say.
But, I can still say this...
She can teleport? o.O

Ash was slightly shocked, very angry. With a roll of her eyes and a heave, she dropped her head onto her arms and stared blankly at the teacher.
"Now, when you hear the word 'folklore,' what do you hear?" Ms. Hally asked. "Ashley, you look a bit bored there. Perhaps you would like to share."
Ash held her tongue and spat out the most stupid answer she could think of: "Um, vampires?"
And the whole class burst with laughter, except the ones who knew her "little secret."
"I didn't know you liked Twilight!" Amber teased. Ash growled, and flashed one of her looks at her. Amber found herself frozen, unable to move. Ashley sat back in her chair, satisfied.
"Now, Lilly, what do you think when you hear folklore?" she interrogated.
"I think of werewolves," Lilly said with a menacing smile, a growl to her voice, and a sweep of her head. She added a small howl to the end of her message, and Ash felt her anger boiling up. She wanted to stand up so badly, to stand up and say, "It's not funny!" and run out of the room crying. Sonic felt her mood, and snaked his hand into hers from the seat next to Ashley's. She felt her muscles relax the tiniest bit, her emotions dilute.
The teacher blabbered on about characters, icons, trends, writers, and stories, and Ashley waited for her to just shut up and the bell to ring.