Rants with Schnicky!

Who here is ready for the Ulti-Rant? LEMME HEAR YA SCREAM!

And now. the moment you've all been waiting for!



Behold, the ultimate power!
Cheese Ranting Co. is proud to present...

A rant by Schnicky Hushimo AKA Schnickelfritz AKA Matthew....



IT'S....

The Ulti-rant! This year's topic... the one, the only, SONC THE HEDGEHOG!11!!11oneone!

That's right, the video game you all know and hopefully hate.
What?
No, you morons! Not the one in 1991! the one from 2006! This game brought about the beginning of the end for SEGA, and was voted worst video game of the year, month, decade, and probably of all time were it not for E.T.'s video game adaption, by many reliable sources (like my mother). Whether it was for it's bad characters, plot, gameplay, glitches, or the loading screens of DEATH AND DESPAIR, might remain a mystery, but one thing is for certain: it was a disgrace. A disgrace to any Sonic fan, a disgrace to any video game, and most importantly a disgrace to my mother. Don't ask me why that's important, that's for another rant. The game failed to win on any level but possibly having a good theme song. The worst thing for me about this game is that the two best characters of the series are absent! (Those being Cheese and Big the Cat of course.) this is the Ulti-Rant of the year. The Ulti-Rant is the biggest rant of the year, and will usually be split into subsections. Generally, it will appear during the summer, as that is when I have the most time to write, or possibly just when I am lazy. The Ulti-Rant's topic is decided each year by you all, as I will present a list of possibilities and you, my faithful readers, shall vote on them. While I realize that I have about 2 readers, I'm hoping that this Ulti-Rant Life Form will draw some attention. So, as the moment you've all been waiting for is coming up, I shall stop introducing and start ranting!




Section #1: The Storyline! (And lack of an original one at that)
In Sonic the Hedgehog (2006), they gave you three S- hedgehogs to play as which each had a different story. However, the storyline is arguably the worst thing about this game. It seems that when you are creating a video game, you come up with the storyline first, right? You'd hope that that's where your idea came from and then got developed and built off of after that. Well, unfortunately, Sonic's storyline was disgustingly... well, disgusting. His entire game consisted of Mario games between him, the Dr., and the ugly crappy ball of garbage Princess Elise. They would have really been better off titling this game Shadow the Hedgehog, but unfortunately, that title was currently being used. In Sonic's story, you go around saving the princess from the clutches of the evil Bowser, er, Dr. Eggman, a grand total of, I believe, 3 times. Through the levels that she isn't taken, she either stalks you around or makes you CARRY HER. You CARRY HER. WHAT. THE. #%^*. It's like Princess Ruto all over again, only instead of throwing her around inside a fish, you just walk around with her. Shadow's story, to be honest, didn't actually make a whole lot of sense to me. It involved undercover work, Mephiles, and something about going back and forward in time. By doing something that wasn't really ever explained, Shadow wakes up a dark spirit named Mephiles (who is eventually the one who kills Sonic), who is bent on world destruction, to stop him, he and the rest of Team Dark have to.... do.... something. I'm not exactly sure, I didn't finish his story. However, I do know that it was the best of the three, as it actually involved a lack of redundancy and a neat little plot twist. The final character I played as is the horrible stupid whiny clingy bratty dork Silver. Yuck. I'm sorry if I'm a little blunt here, as I have a gigantic hatred for Silver. You start out with this story in the future, where him and Blaze (who somehow flew out of her dimension from Sonic Rush which must have involved a memory wipe) live in a desolate post-apocalyptic city, with a lot of lava and stuff. He suddenly learns who started it, named the Iblis Trigger, and randomly gains the ability to time travel. The person who tells him this is, guess, who, Mephiles. If you play these all in a different order, it's actually a little interesting to see what you would know without playing the other stories, and how they all tie in.. Mephiles tricks him into believing th Iblis Trigger is Sonic, and although you'd think Blaze would know that it isn't sonic after spending a game running around with him, all she says is a vague “Blue hedgehog....” Wow. Way to go there, Blaze. The rest of the game is spent chasing Sonic and fighting him in various places. Silver's story is a bit shallow, as the entirety of it is “I MUST FIND THE IBLIS TWIGGAH.” Oy. Vey.


Section #2: The Garbage Characters!
This one won't be long as I hate discussing these two. The first, Silver. Ah, Silver, Silver, Silver. The hedgehogs just keep getting worse, don't they? This shallow character is a whiny nincompoop, he clings to Blaze like a lost puppy to a wolf, and is so near-sighted it's not even funny. He can't see anything past the fact that he thinks Sonic is the Iblis Trigger and will do anything to kill him. He's also whiny and a god mod character in a way, but after he runs out of stuff to throw at people he's completely useless. His voice sounds like Kermit the Frog after inhaling helium, and his design is sub-par, to say the least. It seems to be that it's not that SEGA didn't have time to make a good character, it's almost like they wanted him to suck. Secondly, Elise. Ew. It's a mix of Peach and Ruto, and if you add in an unwarranted love interest story, then you're good to go. She is a large mix of cliche's that somehow Sonic manages to fall in love with. How romantic. And disgusting. He carries her throughout levels and in the cutscenes they grow closer. Or something. Then, when Mephiles shoots him with his lazer beam of death, she KISSES HIM. It's like giving roadkill a nice smooch. HE'S A DEAD RODENT. It's disgusting, really. And while Sonic and Amy have been building a relationship for about 10 years, he knows Elise for a month, and boom. Love story. I don't get it, but I think a teenage girl had something to do with the scripting of this game. Just my opinion.


Section #3: Of Glitches, Gameplay, Physics, Controls, etc..
First off, I'd like to say that I think the X-Box controller is very inadequate for a Sonic game, of any sort. It just doesn't really fit. If you play as Silver, you spend your time throwing stuff at people. Run out of stuff? You lose. Shadow's gameplay was actually kind of fun, but it had the most glitches. You ran around, though not fast, and used Chaos Spear, but unfortunately, half the time you'd fall through the ground after using it. Sonic's gameplay was the least intensive, as it involved running forward, jumping, and pressing button sequences. There were even around 30 second periods of time where you didn't even have to be holding the controller, which I actually liked, because it gave me time to go to the fridge and get a nice frigid piece of cheddar. The physics were terrible, and I often found myself running off of ledges when I wasn't supposed to, having a huge lack of momentum in the air even after running at the speed of sound, and falling off straight after a homing attack. Also, the best part is that you can stand upside down on loop-de-loops. What fun. About every 15 seconds in any one of the stories, you can find a glitch if you're looking for one. There's magic elevating crates, intangible ground, super boosting turbo walls, invisible robot bullets, invisible robots, invisible hedgehogs, intangible grind rails and so much, much more. That actually made the game a little more fun.

And we can't forget the loading screens. Every time the screen went black, you had about a 30 second to one minute long loading screen. To accept a quest in the hub world, it goes like this.

Loading Screen.
Got to hub world. Approach person. Talk to person.
Loading Screen.
Person complains about something.
Loading Screen.
Person asks you to accept mission. You accept.
Loading Screen.
View of map and mission objectives.
Loading Screen.
Go through mission, mission may have up to five phases.
Loading Screen between each phase.
Go back and talk to person.
Loading Screen.
Person talks to you and thanks you.
Loading Screen.
Screen showing you what you got for doing the mission.
Loading Screen.
Back to hub world.

GAH!!!!!!!!!


Although, not everything is bad about this game, I'll admit. The graphics were decent. Some of the landscapes were pretty, we got to see some more Chaos powers in action, and Eggman got a new, and more interesting design. Of course, at the end, everything un-happened, so we never have to see Silver again. I hope to God.

Well, that about sums it up. Now Schnicky needs a nap and some cheddar-jack.

All this time preparing and writing and not a single comment.

Why, cruel world? WHY?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

Please do a rant on Twilight, Schnicky! Please...

I shall, at some point in time. Seems to be the most wanted rant. Perhaps, if you want to wait? I can schedule next year's Ulti-Rant on the entire series and movies.

Schnicky Hushimo wrote:I shall, at some point in time. Seems to be the most wanted rant. Perhaps, if you want to wait? I can schedule next year's Ulti-Rant on the entire series and movies.

What's the Ulti-Rant about?

Read the last rant I made, if you please. It will explain.

I just saw the Rant you were talking about, Schnicky. It's really good, and you do have a point. Still, as you already have one of those rants, I would recommend doing the Twilight Rant first

You didn't read the whole thing, did you? The Ulti-Rant is something I do once a year. If you want, I can insert Twilight into next year's ballot for the topic. It would most likely win, and thus, you can wait a year and get a better rant, or you can have me do a regular sized rant and get it within a week.

Schnicky Hushimo wrote:You didn't read the whole thing, did you? The Ulti-Rant is something I do once a year. If you want, I can insert Twilight into next year's ballot for the topic. It would most likely win, and thus, you can wait a year and get a better rant, or you can have me do a regular sized rant and get it within a week.

I would prefer to wait until next year for you to do the Twilight Rant, and get a better quality, longer rant. I think it would be for the best.

In the meantime, that means I'll have to watch the movies and read more of the books. Yuck. Oh, well, that's what it takes, I better suck it up and take it like a Parmesan.

A Twilight rant seems overdone.

'Tis true.

Schnicky Hushimo wrote:'Tis true.

Still, it is well within your capabliities.

As long as I can make myself read them. Unfortunately, you should know that there is a possibility that I may wimp out.

any othe r suggestions? lol

How about a rant on global warming?

and its extreme noexistencism? es Possible.

Hmm....How about....food?

Rant about yourself.

too broad....