The Later Than Late Show

Omnihush wrote:Once again, with my AWESOME powers of reusing old jokes and CAPITALIZING every other word, I was ABLE to GET my POINT across.

This was the best part.

Hyper Shadow22 wrote:

Shadow122 wrote:

Zezima wrote:I am NOT lying or stretching things here: This was SO funny, it's IS in my top five funniest things I have ever seen in my LIFE. I'm suffocating, I'm laughing so hard.

I second that

you say that a lot dont you, lol

Who are you talking to?

So, big updates are coming to TLTLS! We're working with our sponsors in order to develop a new segment where YOU, yes YOU, can be the STAR! We are still working out the logistics, but in the meantime, expect minor improvements to the overall formatting of the show.
Such as this! ...Nah, jk, I wouldn't use something so annoying.
Personal note: Spring break is over, so I'm heading back to skoolschmool tomorrow. I'm going to cheat a little by recycling old material from my archives. Meh... so sue me. No wait don't do that.

HOOT HOOT! All aboard the fail train! This episode, we will ride through the valleys and swamps of fail land and experience first hand what fail feels like! CHOOT CHOOT! Ride that caboose, y'alls! OMG penny DERAILED! Huhwut? RANDOM ATTACK!!!

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PB&J = Poopie Brains and Jam

Today I learned something new.
If you think about it, that's actually quite amazing. For a genius like me, whose IQ is at levels you could only reach in your wildest fantasies, I haven't found something I didn't already know since the dawn of mankind. Until today.

You see, I didn't know that brains taste like strawberry jam. But now that I know, it's all good.

So here's the story. I was sitting on a bench in the local park, doing a little brain warm-up by proving the Erdős-Gyárfás conjecture, when all of a sudden, a little punk skater kid rode up and poured some milkshake on my pants. Now, what he was doing with a milkshake, I can only guess, but the point is that his action was completely arbitrary and insolent.
He came up to me and tried to apologize. Or so it seemed. But, I, having an analytical mind that even Sherlock Homes would envy, saw through his plan. I figured out that he wanted to get closer so he could dump the rest of his drink on me. I quickly stood up, and in one swift motion, whipped out my handy-dandy portable sledgehammer. With two quick smashes, I blew his skateboard up into a bajillion microscopic pieces.

At this point, the kid was probably crapping in his pants. He tried to run, but I guess there was too much sludge in between the cracks or something. Try to visualize it to get a better picture of what's happening.
I then stood up and looked down at my pants. There was a milkshake stain on a rather private region. I had only one option left...

I quickly got up, let out a monstrous roar, and chased all the nearby innocent park-goers out of the area (all while foaming at the mouth). Next, I took the sledgehammer and I bashed the kid's brains out. Then I ate them.

...Yeah. Basically, that's what happened. The police never caught me, probably because my smarts can reflect radar.
So let this be a lesson to you all. If you pour milkshake on my pants, I WILL eat your brains.

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Oh my gosh...this was just...on a whole new level of funny! This one killed me, Omni! Keep them coming! ROFL

This show needs to be on National Television.

If it ever was I would be so jealous.

It sounds good at first, but would being on national TV be good for the show? Think about it. Then I would have to actually watch what I say, or I'd have dozens of companies gunning for my arse.
Anyway, if I have to dream, might as well dream big. I say we shoot for... INTERGALACTIC television, where my show gets broadcasted by GINORMOUS satellites out into those aliens in space.

So yeah, personal note time. Spring break ended for me yesterday. I left my house at 3ish to get chauffeured (lolparents) to the airport. Hour long ride. Plane leaves at 4:55. It's a two hour flight from DC to Chicago. Then like a three hour bus ride from Chicago to my school. Taking in the one hour time zone difference, I'm expecting to arrive at maybe 10:30 without any delays.
Yeah... tough luck. I got back at 1:20am. My flight was fine (OMG) but my bus, I don't know, decided not to come. So I had to wait at Union Station for a couple of hours for the next bus... sigh... also, recycled content alert.

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Stupid people are sooo immature

This episode I rant about people who are full of themselves. For all you dumb guys out there, it means you have a superiority complex, or a monstrous ego. I, your humble host, am obviously not one of these people. My smarts comes from true intelligence and wisdom, unlike people who are full of themselves (will be referred to as "poopies" from now on), who only pretend to be better than others.

The reason I'm hating on poopies today is because I recently ran into one. Quite literally, actually. So, I was minding my own business, doing my daily 15 mile morning jog (which all manly and macho people like me do), when all of a sudden this weirdo decided to pass me on the left. He didn't even say anything, or even acknowledge my existence. He was listening to some darned music and just thundered right by.

I mean, what's his problem? Why couldn't he just be content with running behind me? Did he think that he was so high and mighty with his iPodmabobber?
Well, I decided to give him a piece of my mind, so I charged straight at him and tackled him to the ground (the grassy area, because I'm very generous). I ripped his headphones off and tore through them with my teeth, spraying him with drool and bits of wire. "Who do you think you are," I shouted at his face. He looked very surprised, but I didn't really care. After all, losers like him should just be ignored.

So then I got up and continued to run. The idiot tried to call the police, so I turned around, grabbed his phone, and threw it into a lake. I then splashed some water at him and a few of the onlookers (we had gathered an idiot crowd). Then I kicked some fat kid's ugly dog. That was the highlight of my day.

I think we've drifted a little off track. But since I'm the host, I can do whatever I want. Anyway, as I was saying, this poopie was a total jerk. A jerk, by the way, is the derivative of acceleration. I know this because my IQ is at least 10 times higher than yours will ever be. Now you see, I'm not being stuck-up, because I'm only saying fact. It's not boasting either, because I was doing that, I'd simply list out the countless ways why I'm so much better than you. But since all of you are insignificant, I don't need to do that. Jeez.

Yeah, so if you ever come across that guy, give him a kick in the balls for me, ok?

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Note to self: Omni has issues that I must not tamper with...

Revised Cause of Death: Literally dying from shortness of breath after reading a funnier than usual Later Than Late Show script. I swear to god, if The Later Than Late Show were on TV it would rival Family Guy, Futurama, and Robot Chicken. Roughly equal them or maybe even better. And pwn the living crap out of MadTV Saturday Night Live, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, whilst showing Imprtan Things, Chapelle show, and occasionaly the Chris Rock show how to do daily comedy RIGHT.

Nothing can own the Dave Chapelle show. Thats on another level.

Shadow122 wrote:Nothing can own the Dave Chapelle show. Thats on another level.

His SPECIAL can't be owned, but a few of his Show episodes were Okay-ish instead of; It's still pretty good, but I liked the Chris Rock Show a little more, and occasionally Important Things, but usally tie with the CR show in the lead for me.

Zezima wrote:

Shadow122 wrote:Nothing can own the Dave Chapelle show. Thats on another level.

His SPECIAL can't be owned, but a few of his Show episodes were Okay-ish instead of; It's still pretty good, but I liked the Chris Rock Show a little more, and occasionally Important Things, but usally tie with the CR show in the lead for me.

Dave Chapelles greatest hits:

Rick James
Black Supremece
Grand Theft Bottle
Cancer Stick
Ghetto Sesame
Revenge Is A Magick Numbah

This really isn't a competition. If Mr. Chapelle or any other comedian/host produced a text version of their shows, I'm absolutely sure that it would blow mine out of the water. But, since they don't, I figure that I'm gunning for a different demographic. As in, that of the SComm variety. This is an SComm exclusive, and it shall stay that way. If Mr. Stewart, Mr. Colbert, Mr O'Brian, or whoever wants to pick a fight with me, just show them the register button.

Ok, back to the show. As a special for SComm's new and improved site address, I'm beginning a rehashed story segment from my life. This will be a series five or so segments that should... maybe... something or other link together. I dunno. Whatever, man, enjoy. Watch out for the excessive transitional lead-ins!

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Day 1: Beatboxing grandpa

I'm too cool for school, so I skipped it today. I felt that if I went, my brilliance would hurl everyone else into a downward spiral of shame and depression. So, naturally, I went to the park to meddle in my highly advanced thoughts.

To tell you the truth, I was actually hoping for someone to come and start a fight. I just thought that having an argument would bring a little sparkle to my day. No one came, unfortunately, so I resorted to counting the number of hot chicks who ran my way. Probably having something to do with the fact that all the girls around my age were busy taking classes and edumacation shenanigans, but my final count ended at 1. But that was only a dude with gigantic man-breasts (hey, I had to lower my expectations a little).

Anyway, as you can tell, I was bored out of my expansive mind, but that's when I realized something. Instead of waiting for trouble, why not go and seek it? With this profound thought, I ran over to an old grampa nearby and socked him in the face.
At least, that's what I tried to do.

As I learned after this entire ordeal, it turns out that oldy here was actually the grandmaster of some ancient Egyptian martial art or something (apparently, legend says that they could fire laser beams from their eyes).
So there I was, getting pwned by some grandpa. He pinned me to the ground, sat on my head (I swear he cut the cheese on purpose...), and proceeded to steal all of my cash (which, coincidentally, I had stolen from an old lady who was crossing a street two days earlier).

Needless to say, I was humiliated, angry, and my head reeked of old man's cheese. I had to get my revenge.

So I dramatically said to him the first thing that popped into my brilliant mind (pauses and all): "I challenge you... to a rap battle!"
In retrospect, this was probably a bad move on my part, especially considering the fact that I can't rap, and barely listen to it.

The Egyptian gramps broke it down on the spot. He did his Egyptian 2D dance jig, ripped out some soulful lyrics, and beatboxed, all at the same time. I could only stand and watch in awe with a twitching eye.

Once again leaving my fate to my brilliant mind, I hatched up a retreat plan. I stepped in front of him and did my little song. In iambic pentameter.
Yeah, that's right. This old dude just rapped and beatboxed and now I'm about to go all Shakespeare on his rump.

At this point, I'd like to cut off my story and just say that it didn't end pretty. The gramps stole my identity (ha! sucks for him) and took over my house. So now, here I am, sitting alone in the park with only my laptop to comfort me...
I don't think I'll be the same ever again...

Summary: I suck and now my house is a garbage bin

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Lol wow what a weird story.

Due to my real life workload being too heavy and the fact that my sponsors are money guzzling fools, I, Omnihush, am reluctantly forced to cancel this show. It has been a fun ride, but I simply can't keep this up anymore. The following will be the final episode. Enjoy, and farewell. (What day is it today?)

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Day 2: Army of Personal Maids

From where we last left off, I was sitting all by myself in the park with nothing but the laptop in my hands and the clothes on my back (actually, those got torn off too by a mob of screaming fangirls).
Well, I am now sitting in my $3,000,000 mansion, wearing a sexy half million dollar suit, and have a babe in each arm. I'm also making origami jet fighters out of Benjamin's. How about that for economic depression?

You might think I've gone insane. Heck, you probably thought that from the moment you read my first sentence. But I assure you, all of this is true. In fact, this very show was recorded by one of my personal maids. (Help! Please save me! My master is EVIL!!!)

Remember that Egyptian grandpa who beat the crap out of me? Yeah, well, I sued him. For a total of... (drumroll please, my personal orchestra) One. Billion. Dollars. Basically, I figured that I would use my awesome intelligence to trick the courts into giving me free cash. If I pestered them enough, they would eventually have to give in to my charm. The following is what I sued him for:

$14.56, which was the amount of money I had in my wallet at the time
$35.44, which is how much my "house" was worth
$5,000, because I went easy on him during the "fight" since he's so old
$5,383, for making me think this all out (a.k.a. "legal fees")
$10,000, for the time I wasted washing the stink out of my head, since time = money
$50,000, for the trauma I received from having his saggy lumps on the back of my neck
$200,000, because he bruised my back when he pinned me to the ground, which made my sleep terrible, which then caused my job interview to go wrong the next day
$234,567, for being such a cool number (a.k.a. the amount I payed to bribe the judge and jury)
$500,000, because his rap hurt my feelings, which in turn effected the earnings that I would have made in my future career as a rapper
$999,000,000, for stealing my precious identity, which is worth more than the Hope Diamond

I, of course, won, as you'd expect with all of these legitimate reasons piling against him. The dumb old man left the courthouse with a billion dollar debt. I felt a microscopic bit of guilt for him, so I reluctantly hired him to work as my personal bodyguard.

...Now that I think about it, he probably isn't the best candidate for someone I trust to be around me at all times.
Maybe I should hire that jiggly guy at the park instead...

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Omnihush wrote:Due to my real life workload being too heavy and the fact that my sponsors are money guzzling fools, I, Omnihush, am reluctantly forced to cancel this show. It has been a fun ride, but I simply can't keep this up anymore. The following will be the final episode. Enjoy, and farewell. (What day is it today?)

Are you leaving this site forever? :(:

Hopefully he won't. Wait why would he be leaving in the first place?

...For any of you who care at all, last episode's intro was a late April Fools joke. Try highlighting the entire show to see the hidden message(s).
Me? Busy? Ha! That's the real joke.
So... I'm rolling along with my storytelling... Can you believe that this is the tenth episode already? As if it wasn't weird enough already, it's about to get a little bit weirder... Is that even possible? Warning... random references abound... I like ellipses...

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Day 3: OMNIMode

There comes a time in life when a guy just has to unleash all of his anger on the world. For me, that time was today.

Just yesterday, I was the king of the universe. I had everything I could ever want at my fingertips. But then, all of a sudden, everything fell apart.

It happened when I was taking a dip in my "sea of money" pool. I heard this loud whistling sound, and it seemed to be getting louder ever second. Well, naturally, I turned my head to look, and guess what I saw?

A cruise missile.

1364 picoseconds later, my mansion was in flames. To be honest, I was speechless. I couldn't budge. My Benjamin's were burning into nothingness around me, but I didn't even flinch.
It was then when my lightning fast reflexes kicked in. I leapt two meters into the air and out of the pool, spun around, and lobbed some nearby grenades at the direction the cruise missile's trail lead (What can I say? Being smart amplifies my physical strength). I definitely heard the Wilhelm scream.

I grabbed a few personal possessions and ran for my life. I barely managed to escape the mansion crashing down on my head. Luckily for me, I spotted a kid riding a bike. I knocked him off his bike, stole his oversized jacket, and rode off into the sunset.

So far so good, right? But here's where things get really hectic. I was whizzing along in my minibike, when three helicopters started following me overhead. One of them shouted something about "dues", and then started a count down. He reached zero, and I found myself riding in the midst of bullets, bombs, and explosions.

Not wanting to get shot, I knew what I had to do. I got off the bike and activated something I like to call "OMNIMode".

Less than a minute later, all three copters were smoldering wreckages, and I was standing on a pile of bodies holding the head of one of the pilots, with a massive erection. Uhh... I'll have explain the details of my rampage another time.

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This was more of a story than a comedy story.

Zezima wrote:This was more of a story than a comedy story.

Yeah, I know... But since this is a five-day story segment, I can't just stop in the middle... sigh... We apologize for the inconvenience.

Omnihush wrote:

Zezima wrote:This was more of a story than a comedy story.

Yeah, I know... But since this is a five-day story segment, I can't just stop in the middle... sigh... We apologize for the inconvenience.

Oh. Well if that's the case, then I understand. It's okay. They're interesting, just not as funny as the first half dozen. Still excellent work, regardless, though. :Wink Wink:

Party like a rawk stur...

TLTLS has strayed far off its original premise, and the staff here realize that. But you'll just have to bear with us. We are undergoing changes. Why, you might ask? Well, it's all experimentation. As a late show, we must penetrate the market of SComm topics the best we can. Diversity comes in many forms, and this is one of them. I don't even understand what I just said, but it sounded ok.

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Day 4: Of Lawyers and Men

Oh man, I so deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Listen to this: I saved a lawyer who was about to be blown up into smithereens. Amazing, huh?

So, here's how the story goes. I saw this guy in a cheap suit standing by a river while talking on his phone. A black briefcase was resting by his feet. What what you do if you were me (Which you most definitely aren't, because my smarts would make your/my brains explode)?
Well, I thought it was a bomb, since lawyers are constantly under attack from other other lawyers and their OBJECTION's. Besides, I was feeling especially generous after my house was bombed two days ago.

So I ran up to him, grabbed his phone, shouted a few choice words into the receiver, and ripped the flippy-lid clean off (I've always wanted to do that). To save him from imminent doom, I grabbed his suitcase, poured some gasoline on it, and set it on fire. For good measure, I roundhouse booted the lawyer clear across the river.

I somehow wasn't satisfied yet. I knew that the lawyer-haters would stop at nothing, so I decided to fight fire with fire. I leapt across the lake and knocked him unconscious (I wouldn't want to have him run away from my protection). I first wrapped his body around in a bulletproof vest, straight-jacket style, which immobilized him (this will make him a less obvious target). Then I continuously dunked him in the river for 10 minutes (this will cleanse his body of disease). Next, I chained up his feet and tied them to a tree branch (this will make him blend into the scenery). Finally, I spray painted his entire body and face a mixture of puke green and crap brown (this will make him inconspicuous).

After all of these good deeds, I can safely say that I saved his life. Once again, that's me, Omnihush, saving a lawyer from a bomb and any possible future attacks. Now that I think about it, I still haven't let him down yet... Oh well, he's probably safer there.

So, smart gentlemen of the Nobel Prize committee (or whatever you weirdos are called), I'll be awaiting my letter with baited breath.

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Congratz?

Aha, that was good. Yes, congratz.