The Later Than Late Show

So I found this addicting flash game thing.
http://ringtails.mybrute.com/
It's like one of those pyramid scam things where I do better if I get more of you to fight me. Ya, this is a shameless plug. Whatevaz.
Anyway, many of you (translation: my three person viewership) will be glad to know that this will be final entry in my story segment. After this, even I don't know where the show will go. But I will not give up. I will keep on experimenting to discover new segments. And should I fail, my sponsors are free to impeach me and instate a new host.

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Day 5: Nobel Prize(s)

Today was another day adding to my recent string of awesome days. I woke up in the morning to find a letter sitting on my front porch. Inside was an invitation to receive the Nobel Peace Prize I rightfully earned from the events of my last outing. The award ceremony was going to be held that afternoon in the well known country of São Tomé and Príncipe.

Luckily, my neighbor's family was planning to travel there for vacation today, so I just robbed them of their tickets (I also stole all their kitchen utensils, forcing them to eat with their fingers). Soon after, I arrived at the local airport. I intimidated/smooth talked the flight attendants into giving me the co-pilot's seat and enough free peanuts to last a lifetime. The flight took a few hours, but I actually arrived there earlier than when I left (loltimezones).

Having a few hours to kill, I explored the capital, São Tomé. To my delight, the town has more brothels than America has Dunkin' Donuts, Starbucks, and McDonald's combined. The downside was that I got so involved in worldly pleasures that I forgot the time, and when I finally realized, the ceremony had already started.

There was a problem, though... I still hadn't finished my current business. So, I ended up taking the entire harem with me. I quickly trained a bunch of mules with my pan flute and rode them to the award center. I slammed open the doors of the auditorium, with 10 scantily-clad women running behind me. But hey, the hero always arrives late, right?

I walked down the isle. Dead silence. Stunned faces stared at me and those behind me (mostly at the latter). I leaped onto the stage, kicked the other Nobel Laureates off the stage (they fell into the orchestra pit, while screaming bloody murder and madness). I ran up to the podium with my girls surrounding me. I had them take all the Nobel Prizes. You know, up close, those Nobel Prizes look like those chocolate coins. I tried eating one, but it wasn't very tasty. There were 12 of them total, two for each category - too many to carry, so we had to be creative...

...Anyway, I opened up another can of "OMNIMode". This prompted me to grab all 10 of my girls in one arm, construct a grappling hook out of strands of hair, hurl a table out the window, and throw myself out of said window, all within a couple of seconds. I also had a couple of ninja shuriken with me, which I threw at a couple of ugly people in the crowd.

We then body surfed our way back home across the Atlantic (the details of which are too hot for this broadcast). All's well that ends well.

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OMG TOO FUNNAY!!

Wow, that was pretty painful. Story's finally done. As I said, TLTLS will keep on experimenting. I've made my decision.
For the next three episodes, give or take, I'll be presenting excerpts from my imaginary book. This following episode is only the introduction. The real meat of this segment comes later.
Once again, any feedback will be much appreciated. I know we haven't been on a good streak, but I'm hoping to turn things around.

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Book 1: Plead From the Editor

How To Be Successful In Life, 67th edition

(authors: Omnihush and your mom)
(publish date: sometime near future)
(dedicated to: the love of my life, who has already achieved the state of Absolute Divinity)

I believe in reincarnation. That is, when you die, you don't. Instead, you're reborn into the world as another being. Given a second chance, as some say. Well, for me, this would be my 67th chance.

I started on this endeavor roughly 2508 years ago. Since then, I've learned a lot about the ways of the world. Part of my intellectual insight comes from the fact that I've been pretty much everything. One lifetime, I'm a barbarian with nothing on his mind but loot and *ahem* (not necessarily in that order). The next, I'm a fly, doomed to be squashed. All of a sudden, I'm a royal king, ordering grapes to be delivered to my mouth.

Heck, we might even have crossed paths in the old ages. Nonetheless, this great journey has all led us to the same place. Here. No matter what bad/good karma you have gotten in the past, we've all averaged out to the same place. Do you know what that means?

No, sadly, we're not the tip of the sword. Quite the contrary. We're the bottom feeders. And that is why I'm writing this book. I hope that by sharing our secrets for all the world to read, I will give our karma a great boost.

I don't care how awesome of a person you are (I still love you), if you a reading these words on your screen right this moment, you're at the same level as I am. Having 66 lifetimes more experience then you, you can trust me.

As you all know, the ultimate goal in our lifetime is to obtain enlightenment. I felt that two lifetimes ago, while I was but a humble African swallow living a spartan bird's life in the Congo, I nearly found the light. I will go into the details in the 15th chapter of our book, so I won't spoil it here. Let's just say for now that I met a premature end. I must have been a real sinner last life, since I now find myself close to ground zero.

So, this is, in fact, a call for help. I already know how to be successful, but I want your input as well (humor cures writer's block). I will of course credit you for your contributions, so the afterlife will know that you helped write a groundbreaking book.

As I write, I will post periodical updates, especially chapters that can relate to our current situation. So grab your pens and put away your swords, we're gonna get a crakin lakin'.

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Not much to say. If you've got any suggestions or requests, throw 'em at me like tomatoes.

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Book 2: Cooking Papa

Excerpt from chapter 43: How To Cook In Life - Male Edition

So you want to be a cook? Never fear, for I was a chef on a pirate ship in my 26th life!

The first thing that you have to know about cooking is that chicks dig it. If you can cook, you can be assured that the girl of your dreams is in the bag (no, not that bag).

Let's start out with the easy stuff. First, go to your kitchen. Do you have large white rectangular prism that civilization calls a "refrigerator"? Good. Now open it. There should be one second for the "frozen" stuff and another, bigger one for the "cold" stuff. Now, look for something that resembles pizza. Take it out, open the wrapper, and but it on a plate. Close the door, head over to the microwave, and pop it in. Grab your handy-dandy 20-sided die (R.I.P., Mr. Gygax) and roll a number. Set your timer/dial to that number. Now wait.
PROFOUND MOMENT: Try singing a song. The speed time passes is inversely proportional to how bored you are.
Now pop it open, spit manly saliva onto your fingertips, and set the plate onto the table. Enjoy!

I understand that that (not a typo, eh?) previous explanation was long-winded, but please bear with me (I should have said that earlier). Baby steps, kiddo, baby steps.

Now you've graduated from cooking kindergarten, so we'll try the intermediate step.

Go to your local grocery store, get a few dozen carts, and empty said store.
PROFOUND MOMENT: Racing shopping carts is not only fun, it also gives the store clerks some much needed adrenaline rush to help brighten their moods!
Take all the stuff and haul it back home. Now, here's the tricky part. Look on the packages, and memorize the names of each "ingredient." I'll wait for you.

Ok, now, think about what you have just read, and list the 20 weirdest sounding names out of those (see chapter 107 for step-by-step illustrated instructions). Take a huge bowl (anything less than titanic is unacceptable) and stuff those 20 items in. Grab something equally as big (such as your leg, or a Dreadnought-class battleship) and start stirring. Stir for roughly two hours.
PROFOUND MOMENT: Although stirring builds character, manly men use Blendtec blenders for all their cooking/destroying needs.
Now you have your slop. Think of a really long, fancy sounding French name (e.g., French fries, French toast, French horn, fromages puants de l'eau d'égout) and that will be the name of your "gourmet dish." Enjoy!

Oh, so now we're getting to the HOT stuff. You have all the skills from cooking for a prince to surviving on shrubs and grasshoppers. So now, we take the next step. Prepare to go... advanced.

Put down your cooking utensils. Head over to the phone. Dial a Chinese/Mexican/Italian/whatever restaurant. Place order. Sit back, relax, wait, and enjoy!

And there you have it. Master these levels (only the advance level is ever truly successful), and you'll be set for life.

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Your overall ratings are declining, sad to say. Your first genre of episodes were insanely popular and people were eating them up like there was no tomorrow. Then your second genre of episodes were still funny, but more plot filled, and less enjoyable. Now with your third genre of stories and book excerpts, the only crowd you are appeasing are the special interest groups. I do hope you go back to episodes such as The War Room, Sleeping schdules, and CiCi's Pizza. That's when your ratings were high. Your current season (The 3rd season) is quite low, and I suggest changing your game up a bit. For the sake of the show.

Acknowledged. I had a feeling that was the case, and now that my sponsors have conformed it, we shall cease production of the third season. That means that I'm unleashing a double episode today because I don't want this chapter I wrote to go to waste. Then, let the ranting recommence next episode! Are you ready to SOAAARRR???

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Book 3: Damn that Murphy

Excerpt from chapter 98: How To Find Out Who You Were In A Past Life

I bet all of you have asked yourself the question, "Who did I used to be?" I have a strategy for tracing anyone's ancestry up to 67 times back.

When you are physically and mentally reborn, your memory is wiped. You have absolutely NO connection to your past life. Any dreams, hallucinations, or wishful thinking of yours is, for fact, wrong. So, how do I know about my history, if not by memory?

After you are done reading and committing to memory the following three paragraphs, put down the book and try to mimic what I'm about to say (be sure to mark your page!). Take your dominant hand, or if you're ambidextrous, both hands, and hold it out in front of you at a 90 degree angle. Pull your arm back until your hand(s) are at your chest. Make sure your palm side is parallel to the curvature of the Earth. Now clench into a fist. Now unclench. Clench again. Unclench again. This series of Martial Arts will help you lose some calories and increase blood flow (see chapter 50 for exercise techniques).
PROFOUND MOMENT: Exercise often to relieve stress. Beating up small kids is great exercise.

Flip your hand over while keeping it in the same x-y-z coordinates (see chapter 4 for beginner math). Now, take your other hand, or if you're ambidextrous, your nose, and trace each and every single line you see on your palm (not your fingers). Start from the upper right corner, and restart to the left, down, respectively (refer to diagram in Appendix B). Each trace, add one to your mental counter.
PROFOUND MOMENT: An urban legend says that counting to infinity will insure you a spot on TLTLS talkshow in your next lifetime.
Make sure to count EACH and EVERY SINGLE line, no matter how small or winding.

Your final count should be anywhere in between 0 and 500. Now, take that number, grab a calculator, and divide it by your age. We will call this number X. We're not done yet. Find any full deck of standard playing cards around your house. Remove all non-integer value cards from it. Throw the pack into the air and wait for it to fall to the floor. Pick up ONE face down card from the floor. Read the number. We will call this N. Now, take the Nth root of X. This final number represents the maximum number of years you have left to live.

If all goes well, you should now be fretting over how short your life is. So forget about what has happened in the past (who cares, anyway?) and look to how you can make the most of your remaining time in the next chapter.
PROFOUND MOMENT: Never admit that you don't know the answer to the question. Instead blame the questioner for the terrible specificity of the asked question. Or Murphy's Law. It's always Murphy's fault.

:Arrow: Back to episode list

Omnihush wrote:

After you are done reading and committing to memory the following three paragraphs, put down the book and try to mimic what I'm about to say (be sure to mark your page!). Take your dominant hand, or if you're ambidextrous, both hands, and hold it out in front of you at a 90 degree angle. Pull your arm back until your hand(s) are at your chest. Make sure your palm side is parallel to the curvature of the Earth. Now clench into a fist. Now unclench. Clench again. Unclench again. This series of Martial Arts will help you lose some calories and increase blood flow (see chapter 50 for exercise techniques).
PROFOUND MOMENT: Exercise often to relieve stress. Beating up small kids is great exercise.

Flip your hand over while keeping it in the same x-y-z coordinates (see chapter 4 for beginner math). Now, take your other hand, or if you're ambidextrous, your nose, and trace each and every single line you see on your palm (not your fingers). Start from the upper right corner, and restart to the left, down, respectively (refer to diagram in Appendix B). Each trace, add one to your mental counter.
PROFOUND MOMENT: An urban legend says that counting to infinity will insure you a spot on TLTLS talkshow in your next lifetime.
Make sure to count EACH and EVERY SINGLE line, no matter how small or winding.

Your final count should be anywhere in between 0 and 500. Now, take that number, grab a calculator, and divide it by your age. We will call this number X. We're not done yet. Find any full deck of standard playing cards around your house. Remove all non-integer value cards from it. Throw the pack into the air and wait for it to fall to the floor. Pick up ONE face down card from the floor. Read the number. We will call this N. Now, take the Nth root of X. This final number represents the maximum number of years you have left to live.

If all goes well, you should now be fretting over how short your life is. So forget about what has happened in the past (who cares, anyway?) and look to how you can make the most of your remaining time in the next chapter.
PROFOUND MOMENT: Never admit that you don't know the answer to the question. Instead blame the questioner for the terrible specificity of the asked question. Or Murphy's Law. It's always Murphy's fault.

:Arrow: Back to episode list

Ratings are improved. I 'd.

I like the last one over the previous few before it,

Double episode!!! Awesomeness!!! That last one was hilarious.

Sykog I put forward a new idea. I'll tell you in PM so i'm not attacked for spamming

Shadow122 wrote:Sykog I put forward a new idea. I'll tell you in PM so i'm not attacked for spamming

Ok, sure.

xDDDDDD OMG!! This is so funny! If this were a real show, Omni, I bet you'd make MILLIONS!

Destiny wrote:xDDDDDD OMG!! This is so funny! If this were a real show, Omni, I bet you'd make MILLIONS!

Cheers! :Cool!: :Mr. Green: [:center][img]h

Oh, btw folks, I'm terribly sorry that new episodes haven't been aired. We've had a minor writer's strike due to real life exam overload...
In other words, college life is hell. Gotta study hard for a while. It sucks being an engineer. Show will be resumed as soon as possible.

sykog77 wrote:

Destiny wrote:xDDDDDD OMG!! This is so funny! If this were a real show, Omni, I bet you'd make MILLIONS!

Cheers! :Cool!: :Mr. Green: [:center][img]h

I second this...QFT

Omnihush wrote:Oh, btw folks, I'm terribly sorry that new episodes haven't been aired. We've had a minor writer's strike due to real life exam overload...
In other words, college life is hell. Gotta study hard for a while. It sucks being an engineer. Show will be resumed as soon as possible.

Bumped for the sake of the show. This is too entertaining to let die.

Yaaay for GtG!!!

Status update: I'm on a sabbatical for new material. Or maybe I'm just slacking of??? GASP NO WAI!!!

In the mean time, if anyone would like to fill in for me, that'd be pretty cool.

Omnihush wrote:Status update: I'm on a sabbatical for new material. Or maybe I'm just slacking of??? GASP NO WAI!!!

In the mean time, if anyone would like to fill in for me, that'd be pretty cool.

No one can fill in the great one. No one. In fact I will severely punish those who shall try. We will forever wait for you and never let this topic die until you give the word. All hail the non-staff Admin.

+

These episodes are now going into the Sonic Community website!

sykog77 wrote:These episodes are now going into the Sonic Community website!

Yeah, about that. What does that mean? The Sonic Community website? I don't see one besides this one here.

Ok, I lied. Ranting will be delayed until next episode. This is another unfunny placeholder until I can stop being so lazy. I'm such a bum... Well, commence head implosions.

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Mathematical Proof that Pies Are Yummy

The following proof shows the productive use of my math lecture. It explains one of the great mysterious of life:
What is the meaning of life? To eat pie.
Please note that in order to get this to work, I cut all decimals off at the 4th digit.
I will provide commentary to make this easier to understand. Let's begin, shall we?

Given:
e=mc^2
Einstein’s famous atomic mass -> energy equation
c=3*10^8
The speed of light (c) in a vacuum (space)
e=2.7182
Mathematical constant for continuous interest (used with logarithms)
pi=3.1415
Ratio of circle's circumference to diameter

Assumption:
pie = yummy
If pies ≠ yummy, then the equation will not balance out in the end.
If the equation DOES balance out, then pie will = yummy.
Savvy?

Proof:
pie = yummy
(pi)e = y^2um^2
Simplify the multiplication (y * y = y^2, m * m = m^2)
y^2m^2u = 8.5397
Shuffle around and calculate pi * e
m = c^2/e
m = 3.3109*10^16
Self-explanatory*
y^2(3.3109*10^16)^2u = 8.5397
y^2(1.0962*10^33)u = 8.5397
Substitute for “m”, square “m”
y^2u = 7.7901*10^-33
y^2 = 7.7901*10^-33/u
y = √7.7901*10^-33/u <- square root
Solve for “y” – divide both sides by “m”, divide both sides by “u”, take the square root of both sides
(√7.7901*10^-33/u)^2(1.0962*10^33)u = 8.5397
(7.7901*10^-33/u)( 1.0962*10^33)u = 8.5397
((7.7901*10^-33*1.0962*10^33)/u)*u = 8.5397
Substitute “y” back into original equation, square “y”, divide to cancel out “u” (x/u*u = x)
7.7901*10^-33*1.0962*10^33 = 8.5397
8.5397 = 8.5397
Simplify and solve
Since the end results are equal to each other, pie = yummy
Therefore, pie = yummy.


* c = cee, c/c = cee/c,1 = e^2, √1 = √e^2, e = 1

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Ouch! Headache! Me no want math!!!!

The Later Than Late Show is commencing it's new segment, OMNIHUSH'S OUTRAGEOUS OSTRICHES.

This will be a Q&A session where I will answer your questions!
Life troubles, love troubles, level troubles, anything! Meaning of life, color of socks, whatever you need help with, send your questions in! I'll take 'em all! And spit them right back at ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! !! !! !!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!
...got a little too carried away there...

So please, don't hesitate to submit your question(s)! Anywhere from 1-10 is fine. Either drop me a pm or simply post here!
pm link: https://sonicommunity.forumotion.com/msg.forum?mode=post&u=135